


He's All That

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Homestuck Shipping Olympics, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-22
Updated: 2012-07-22
Packaged: 2017-11-10 11:32:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/465803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Karkat Vantas makes a bet that he can get past him to go prom with him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	He's All That

**Author's Note:**

> Sort of loosely based on the film She's All That, a cinematic masterpiece that will enrich the life of anyone who watches it.
> 
> Cover picture thing is by tumblr user Karbutt, what a lovely human!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Karkat retrieved his sickles from his fetch modus and flung one of them at the closest available target, which happened to be one of the shitsuckingly hideous posters for the Troll-Human Meteor-Ship Reuinion While Waiting For Everyone Else Prom Party. The sickle tore a rift down the middle of the smiling barkbeast pictured on the poster, before falling to the floor pathetically. Karkat picked it up and sat down on the floor next to the ruined poster, sickles still in hand. He pulled his knees up to his chest and folded his arms over, sickles sticking out like claws. Fuck everything.  
  
''I take it she said no?''  
  
Rose Human sat down next to him. Jegus. He didn't hear her arrive.  
  
''Not that it's any of you goddamn business,” he started, ”but it turns out Terezi can't go to Asshole Prom with me, because she has a previous engagement with the Mayor of Asshole town for no discernible reason.''  
  
''My brother?'' she asked, ''or-''  
  
''Yeah, no, she's actually going to Meteor Prom with the actual fucking Mayor of Can Town. Just strangle me with my own bulge. I can't even handle this bullshit.''  
Karkat banged his head against the wall with an audible thump.  
  
''I see.''  
  
They sat in silence for a while. Lalonde's orange robes clashed horribly with her skin, pale from years without the Earth sun. She looked tired. Karkat couldn't really find it in his blood pusher to give a shit.  
  
''Not like I needed her, anyway.'' In the romcoms it always helped to get this shit out in the open, even if that meant sharing one's innermost feelings with a self-absorbed human who probably couldn't find her own nook, much less sexually pleasure a troll partner.  
''Not at all, not me. I was just asking her to be a fucking gentletroll. I could take any of you bulgelicking losers to meteor prom and I would still have a better time there than anyone else, just because I am going to be the least giant asshole there,'' he continued. It did make him feel a little better. Sure, he always ended up arguing with himself and everyone else, but he at least was a romance expert. He knew all about proms. He had studied the phenomenon in Earth films every since he was made aware of the humans. It seemed kind of nice. He put his sickles back in his modus.  
''Basically, I will enjoy myself immensely regardless of what nooksuck is lucky enough to be my date, and thanks to my natural charm and superiority we will probably also be crowned prom royalty.''  
''Is that so?'' Rose sounded almost amused.  
Karkat nodded. His chest felt lighter already. Who gave a shit about Terezi? Not Karkat Vantas! He relaxed a bit, stretching his legs on the floor. Lalonde made a contemplative sound.  
  
''I propose a bet. If you're able to seduce and bring as your date to prom whoever I choose, you win.''  
''And if I lose?''  
''Then you spend Saturday morning wearing only a decorative pillow for modesty.''  
''And if you lose?''  
''Then I will do the same.''  
''And I care about you being naked why, exactly?''  
''I can also arrange for you and Terezi to have a civil heart to heart about your feelings for each other.''  
Karkat hestitated. Who the hell did this broad think she was? On the other hand, she was the resident tentacle therapist. If anyone could help him salvage things with Terezi, it was probably her. And after all, Karkat was a romance expert. Of course he'd win. It couldn't hurt.  
”Deal”, he said. ”So who is the lucky asshole?”  
  
She pursed her dark lips, considering her options.  
  
''Your past self,'' she finally said, the corners of her lickorice lips turning upwards into a sly smile.  
''Come off it, Lalonde, that's fucking impossible.''  
She gave him a condescending look.  
''I was under the impression that we had a resident time guy at our disposal.''  
Karkat snorted. Strider? Helping him take his past self to the irony prom? He's rather fuck himself with his sickles than see the look on that assholes face if he asked him for something like that.  
''I will put in a good word for you,'' she simply said, before she got up and left. Karkat sighed.  
  
  
  
Three years ago his hive on the meteor had felt as unwelcoming and frightening as every other location in this shitty game, as every other location in the damn universe, but now he felt almost relaxed and comfortable when spending time there. The movie posters really helped.  
  
Karkat settled in his pile, wriggling around a little to get comfortable before getting his husktop and pulling it onto his lap. He took a few deep breaths. According to Strider it was impossible to pester someone from a different timeline, so he would have to divide the time lines later. Once he created a doomed timeline, Dave would cross over and bring Other Karkat to them, but before that he needed to prime his past self so he would be ready to be wooed within an inch of his miserable, shitsucking, life. To make this work, he had made a detailed timeline spreadsheet detailing all interactions he should have with Past Karkat, based on his past conversations with himself, and lovingly written out at the last possible moment. He had made it his husktop background, just to be on the safe side.  
  
The actual timeline shit he would leave to Douchebag Strider, but he figured that to keep his past self from figuring shit out, he would also wait until the last possible moment to broach the subject. They had agreed that getting Past Karkat to go with him as his kismesis would be too easy, so he was going to somehow send Karkat from the past a red solicitation. He examined the spreadsheet for probably the six hundredth time; he was not going to have a repeat of the John situation, no way. Present Karkat was older; he had learned his lesson. Karkat looked up at the Troll Will Smith residing on his wall, praying for luck. Inhaling. Exhaling. Okay. Okay.  
  
Seducing his past self to win a bet with the Rose human. He could do this.  
  
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board HEY, BULGESTINK.  
CCG: SO. I KNOW WE HAVEN'T BEEN ON THE BEST TERMS IN THE PAST, BUT I'M STARTING TO REALIZE THAT I'M DOING MYSELF A DISFAVOR BY PRETENDING MY PAST SELF IS A WORSE CONVERSATIONAL PARTNER THAN THE OTHER ASSHOLES ON THIS SHITTY METEOR.  
CCG: HELLO? KARKAT TO PAST ASSHOLE?  
PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG] 331 HOURS AGO responded to memo.  
PCG: DAMN RIGHT WE HAVEN'T BEEN ON THE BEST OF TERMS.  
CCG: OH, THERE YOU ARE.  
PCG: AND WITH GOOD REASON.  
PGC: YOU'RE AN INSUFFERABLE ASSHOLE WHO REFUSES TO LISTEN TO ME.  
PGC: YOU ALWAYS THINK YOU KNOW BETTER JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE *FURTHER AHEAD ON THE TIMELINE*. IT'S DISGUSTING HOW SELF ABSORBED YOU ARE. AT LEAST *I* AM PAINFULLY AWARE OF HOW AWFUL AND DISGUSTING I AM IN EVERY WAY.  
CCG: YEAH, YEAH, I HATE YOU TOO.  
CCG: NOT THAT WAY, BEFORE YOU ASK.  
PCG: AS IF THAT IS A THING I EVEN WANT TO ASK A LITTLE, YOU CONCEITED NOOKSUCK.  
  
Karkat paused with his hands lifted aboved the keyboard. He remembered this memo. For a second he felt angry heat rising in his cheeks; that fucking asshole! So that was his game all along! But at the same time: The plan was working! Holy shit, it was actually working. He could feel his mouth twisting into the beginnings of a smile, and continued writing. He had a timeline to follow.  
  
CCG: ANYWAY, I'M HERE FOR A FUCKING REASON, SO LISTEN UP.  
CCG: I THINK WE SHOULD BE FRIENDS.  
PCG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  
PCG: HOW PATHETIC ARE YOU?  
  
How fucking pathetic are you, you lobotomized shitstem, you have no idea what the hell is going on here, Karkat thought, but it had been three long years and he was a troll on a mission.  
  
CCG: PATHETIC ENOUGH THAT I BOTHER TALKING TO YOU, SO YOU SHOULD BE PRETTY DAMN GRATEFUL.  
  
  
There. Much nicer. It was all about the subtle nuances.  
  
  
  
  
Karkat grumbled as Jade merrily skipped by him, carrying several disco balls shrinked down to the size of golf balls. John and Jade had apparently been put in charge of decorating for the prom, something they did with great enthusiasm, while the others largely ignored the upcoming event. Strange. It was almost as if it wasn't as big a deal to them as it was to him.  
  
Karkat rounded a corner, and there he was, back in his own hive. He went inside and threw himself on the pile. God, he was so lonely and bored. He leaned back, stretching, letting out a sound almost like a purrbeast. His husktop was on the floor where he'd left it. He picked it up, took another look at the timeline.  
  
CCG: ANYWAY, I WAS THINKING.  
CCG: IF I STREAMED A MOVIE LATER, WOULD YOU MAYBE WANT TO  
CCG: YOU KNOW  
CCG: WATCH IT WITH ME?  
  
  
  
Gamzee said he spent too much time worrying his pan about what his past self was thinking.  
Karkat had gotten in the habit of pestering himself first thing in the nighttime when he woke up, and continue to do so all during the night. He couldn't help it. Past him was surprisingly witty when he wasn't too angry to be incoherent. It was nice to have someone like that to talk to.  
  
It was going quite well, he thought. He'd just finished typing up a scathing response to something idiotic Past Karkat said. It was important to keep up appearances. Had to keep himself interested. He couldn't reveal his true flushed intentions too early.  
  
Karkat ran a hand through his hair. He needed an ablution. Maybe he could take care of that later while past him was stewing in his own rage. He closed his eyes and imagined him, in those awful weeks before he had this fucking stellar idea. Well. Before Rose had this fucking stellar idea. His husktop told him Past Karkat was writing something for him, somewhere in the haze of nine days ago. Karkat stared at the screen expectantly.  
  
PCG: HOW FUCKING DARE YOU  
PCG: HOW  
PCG: FUCKING  
PCG: *DAAAAARE*  
PCG: YOU  
PCG: YOU ALWAYS DO THIS.  
PCG: JUST BECAUSE I HAPPEN TO BE A FEW GODDAMN DAYS IN THE PAST, YOU DO ALL THIS PATRONIZING BULLSHIT WHERE YOU THINK I CAN'T TELL WHAT YOU'RE REALLY THINKING.  
PCG: WHEN IN REALITY I CAN PROBABLY TELL WHAT YOU'RE THINKING BETTER THAN YOU CAN TELL WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.  
PCG: MAYBE SOMEDAY YOU'LL GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR NOOK AND ADMIT TO YOUR FEELINGS, BUT I FUCKING DOUBT IT, BECAUSE APPARENTLY I TURN INTO THE WORLD'S MOST AWFUL COWARDLY SHITSTAIN SOMEWHERE OVER THE COURSE OF THE NEXT WEEK.  
PCG: YOU'RE FLUSHED FOR ME.  
  
Holy shit. Karkat felt as though ferocious purrbeasts was trying to escape from his stomach. Okay, then.  
  
CCG: YEAH.  
CCG: YEAH, I AM.  
CCG: <3  
PCG: OKAY, COOL.  
PCG: <3  
  
He ended up going to the communal ablution trap while past him keysmashed for several consecutive pages. When he came back there was a heart at the bottom of the chat. Eight days ago.  
  
  
  
  
  
According to the plan, they would split the time lines one week before the Meteor Prom, giving Karkat about one week to woo his past self without him realizing what was up, before Dave swooped in to get Alternate Past Karkat and transported him to the present. It ws going to happen. He could do it. Deep breaths.  
  
  
  
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board HEY, BULGESTINK.  
CCG: I WAS WONDERING  
CCG: IF MAYBE  
CCG: NOW THAT WE BOTH MUTUALLY LIKE EACH OTHER  
CCG: MAYBE YOU WANTED TO GO TO THE METEOR PROM WITH ME?  
PAST carcinoGeneticist (203 hours ago) responded to memo.  
PCG: FUCK YES.  
  
  
  
It was 7 PM local time, and so far the prom had been a severely disappointing experience. Davesprite was manning the turntables while Asshole Strider had gone back in time to retrieve Karkat's date, and had taken to playing Jade's and his hideous remixes. Karkat took another sip of his fizzy non-alcoholic drink.  
  
There he was. Alternate Past Karkat. He was wearing a lovely red dress that matched his eyes, and, increasingly, his face. He looked... furious. Oh fuck.  
  
Past Karkat at least had the dignity not to try to run in his high heels. Instead he walked over towards Karkat at a brisk pace, yelling all the while. It took a while for the words to travel from Karkat's ears into his think pan.  
''Am I a bet? Am I a fucking bet?'' Past Karkat cried over the clacking of his shoes.  
Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh shit nooksucking bulgefuck.  
  
''Strider!'' Karkat yelled, trying his best to ignore his past self.  
''Strider, what the everloving fuck did you do?''  
Karkat had to admit he looked good like this, the blush rising in his cheeks and the tears welling in his eyes both matching the dress, a simple one with spagetti straps that he had no idea how any of the fashion impared assholes on this meteor had come up with. Perhaps it had been on the meteor all along.  
Strider showed up next to his crying past self, hideous-looking drink in hand. There was an umbrella in it.  
''Sorry, dude, you really should've seen that coming. Timelines don't work like that, you fat nasty trash.''  
''Who the fuck are you calling trash?'' Karkat yelled at him. ''You stole Terezi!''  
Past Karkat chose this moment to slap him across the face. The pain was excruciating. Karkat got his sickles out almost immediately. Other Karkat did the same.  
''You want to fight?'' He said, ''Let's fucking fight!''  
''Fine,'' Karkat said, shifting into his fighting stance. There was a moment of quiet where they both waited for the other to strike first.  
  
''Oh, get a room!'' Someone said.  
  
They walked outside, sickles in hand, Past Karkat a little unsteady in his new shoes. For some reason Dave decided to come along as well.  
  
''What kind of asshole are you, anyway?'' Dave asked. ''I mean really I couldn't care less about you being mean to yourself, but the whole idea is kind of idiotic. Did you really not expect him to find out?''  
''Thank you, nookwipe, that was extremely helpful, now get the fuck out,'' Karkat said through gritted teeth.  
''I got shit to do anyway,'' Dave said, returning to the turntables.  
  
''Karkat,'' he tried.  
''Fuck you!'' other him replied, sill crying. Oh jegus.  
  
Karkat made sure to breathe in an excess of oxygen before he opened his mouth. This was it. This was his moment. He was going to make a fucking romantic speech, and he was going to be awesome at it. He had been preparing for this moment since he was four.  
  
''Okay, so I know this seems bad, but just listen. I may have made a terrible decision and tried to win an extremely fucking ill-advised bet, but you have won-''  
Other Karkat shooshed him.  
''I fucking know the speech, okay, did you forget I'm you?''  
''Okay.''  
This was awkward. Other Karkat dried his tears with the back of his hand, careful not to get his carefully manicured claws in the way.  
''Should we maybe go back inside?''  
Karkat looked at himself. He was smiling. This was the other moment he had been preparing for since he was four sweeps old. He grabbed his past self and kissed him.  
  
  
  
When they went back inside, Jade had declared John and Gamzee prom royalty. It didn't matter. He was reasonably sure he and Past Karkat would be getting naked anyway.


End file.
